Chuck Norris.  That's right, Chuck Norris.  We all quiver a little at the mere mention of his name.  Here are some fun facts about Chuck Norris that you may not have known.  I myself was shocked to learn that Chuck Norris killed Emelia Earhart

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

 

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

 

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

 

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

 

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

 

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

 

Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.

 

Halley's comet isn't a comet at all, but rather, a man named Murry LeTart whom Chuck Norris very nearly roundhouse kicked out of the solar system because he claimed that the Total Gym was merely a "mediocre fitness machine."

 

The immense force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is beyond comprehension, and in fact is responsible for the tropical weather phenomenon we call a "hurricane".

 

Many times has Chuck Norris stared death in the face. Every time death has been spared.

 

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

 

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

 

Recently Chuck Norris donated $5.7 million to the Tsunami Relief Fund. It's about time he started taking responsibility for his actions.

 

Gary Coleman use to be 7 foot 2 inches...until he met Chuck Norris.

 

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

 

Even making eye contact with Chuck Norris on televison has been known to make men soil themselves in fear.

 

Chuck Norris will kick you, and it will hurt. Forever.

 

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a single-celled organism for not having the mental capcity to understand his greatness. He inadvertantly created evolution.

 

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man's face through the back of his head.  But that Chuck Norris, he was so sneaky about it that the man didn't notice for three days.

 

You can never beat Chuck Norris, you only think you can...and while your thinking, you'll get a roundhouse kick to the face.

 

Chuck Norris once bowled a 400 game.  He also bowls overhand.

 

Chuck Norris has sex on the first date.  Always.

 

Chuck Norris is the reason that Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.  He also predicts that Raymond will die of a roundhouse kick-related death.

 

Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow.

 

and the most interesting of all...

 

Chuck Norris invented feminists just so he could give them roundhouse kicks to the face.

 

I now pronounce myself, not only the most whimsical gent of the season, but also THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN!  So watch out, buddy. 

We now have a fish named Sebastion.  I thought he was cool at first, but by the second day I realized that he just sits there.  Get up and do something with your gray little life, fool.

People need to stop blaming Bush for a hurricane and demanding his resignation.  All of the smart people left when they heard their house would be under water in a few hours.  They didn't stay behind to see what they could loot and who they could rape in their underwater city.  Savages.  The only good person that I know of living in New Orleans is Pepper Keenan.  Pepper, I know you're reading this, I'm glad you're alive.  But your unfortunate comments have put you on thin ice with me.  "Rise River Rise" won me over though.  Lucky you.  You almost got a taste of Doom.

George Bush, you're next.  You better make good on some of those promises you made, or Bang! Zoom! Right in the kisser!!  And your dad knows where the aliens are, and I want the truth!  I can handle the truth!  And John Roberts better be good, because he has some big shoes to fill.  He better not go the way of that fruit, David Souter. 

The Republicans have gone too far.  They need to stop ushering in the kingdom of the Anti-Christ.  The P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act is not necessary to defend our country against people who don't even have indoor plumbing and wear towels on their heads.

Michelle is a ball and chain.  She makes me go to the movies  but i do like frozen pop.  Just kidding. 

My Uncle Jerry is crazy.  He needs to stop talking to plants and travelling to other planets.  He might be here right now, so I'd better leave him alone. 

If only everyone would listen to me.

I might sound like a crabby old man all the time, but I'm a nice guy if you get to know me, punk.

-Box

We lost Mitch on March 30th

You will always be remembered.

You know what, whoever you are reading this (you are probably Michelle)?  I'm really getting tired of gay people taking the rainbow and making it into their symbol of faggery.    Therefore, I propose that we create a heterosexual flag or banner, to show that we're straight, like all good-hearted people.  It could be called the "Normal Person's" flag, or the "I Had a Normal Relationship With My Father" banner.  Fag-mongerers will be upset, but I love upsetting them!   If I ever run for congress, or better yet, President of these United States, my campaign slogan will be Conservatism run amuck!  or You're Next, Jaques Chirac!!!  (and yes, the three exclamation marks would be included, Michelle.  I will just address you specifically, because you're probably the only one reading this, except for maybe Wiener Tim).  If elected, my first act would be to kill a whole lot of you, and burn your towns to cinders!!!!!!  Haha, don't know what came over me there, Michelle.  Is anyone else reading this?  Derek? Nick? Critter/Critic?  Wiener?  Oh yeah, Derek, if you are reading this, I have the new BLS CD (well, most of it) and I'll give you a copy if you'll give me back the other CD i let you borrow.  Sweet deal, huh?  Haha  I probably should've just emailed that to Derek, but I don't want to!  But yeah... hmm.. let's see...  Yeah, the Simpsons aren't funny anymore, music is in a sad state, liberals are retarded and/or pure evil, Prince William is the Antichrist...  I think that's everything.  I'll leave you with some quotes from the lovely and ultra-conservative Ann Coulter.  God bless her, and please God, kill Jaques Chirac.  Thank you for killing Yasser Arafat.  (May flights of Jinn sing thee to thy rest.)

"Liberals can't just come out and say they want to take more of our money, kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race."

"At least when right-wingers rant, there's a point."

"Swing voters are more appropriately known as the 'idiot voters' because they have no set of philosophical principles. By the age of fourteen, you're either a Conservative or a Liberal if you have an IQ above a toaster."

"Why not go to war just for oil? We need oil. What do Hollywood celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them?"

"Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." 
 
 Regarding her book...."At the risk of giving away the ending, it's all liberals' fault." 
 
 Thank you, Ann. 

Thank you all...  er... Michelle.

-Box

duur.. i'm a retarded xanga person!  i'll write down what i want you to think i think about and make myself seem like an interesting person, because it's the only ray of happiness in my gray little life! dur dur dur!  i know a lot about biparmesan politics!  i hate america!  i'm falsely pious!  i care deeply about other people and animals, but only the cute ones!!  i listen to whatever anyone else tells me!  i'm not smart!  i'm not successful!  my life amounts to nothing!  i'm a vegetarian!  independence for quebec! i don't need to do my work, because someone else will do it for me! oic, lol, omfg, brb, ayxpmmwtkmay!  kewl luv wit sup ne! come to my xanga site!  you will be a member in my little clique called POWERCOOL!  if you ain't one, you ain't poo.  we will read poetry and pet cats!  the only thing better than that is my obscure, tacky overrockraphardprogressivegrindcore band!  HEAR the authentic "Punk-o-Phonic" recording quality!  GAWK at stunning THREE-CHORD songs! WINCE through a lot of bad FILLER MATERIAL!  Silly name, boring premise...cool album!  Hey there overrockraphardprogressivegrindcore bretheren!  we're the incredible overrockraphardprogressivegrindcore band from the world beyond the one before the last one..!! it's way different than all the other no-talent bands, just like all the other kool kiddies! IT DON'T MEAN A THING IF IT AIN'T GOT THAT FLABADADING!! 

Thanks to: The poopbags who inspired this lousy piece of crap!  you know where your dinner hangs! hoop. 

This entry is intended as a cheap stab are the morons who take this kind of crap seriously.